The Make Up, the Break Up and Everything In Between

I realise it had been quite awhile since I've posted up any ramblings onto this site. Mostly it's incoherent poems, unimaginative plagiarism of lyrics and what-not.

Perhaps I've finally felt a need to put paper to pen and immortalise my emotions in writing rather than through an inconsequential whiff of speech that decidedly falls on deaf eyes. At least this way, I'll have a way of retaining my thoughts.

Today, I made a bet to myself, to the Universe, to the Blue Fairy - Whoever calls me first actually cares or retains some form of feeling similar to love for me. Needless to say, I lost the bet. (That'll teach me to put in all my chips at one go!)

I expected it, really. But to be given a harsh slap of reality is a bitter medicine that no amount of sugar can make go down - you just gotta grit your teeth and swallow the mofo.

Maybe it's karma. Maybe it's bad juju. Maybe it's just life.

To be honest, I think I got into many relationships the wrong way. I've always presented this façade of who I WANT to be. How many have actually seen who I AM.

I'm not the trendy whippersnapper with the glistening quiff and gorgeous wardrobe, attending raves and parties all over metropolitan cities. I not the person everybody wants to invite out, that gatherings revolve about, the fun buddy everyone adores. I can't dance, can barely bring myself to raise my arms, let alone do the dougie and actually look cool doing it.

I've struggled all my life with my looks, my skin, my weight, my clothes, my social skills. I struggle to make friends, to keep friends, or to maintain a semblance of healthy acquaintanceship. Heck, when someone told me the other day that they wish they had hair like mine, I nearly cried!

I'VE NEVER HAD NICE HAIR.

Says a lot doesn't it.

Ending the relationship was tough. Finding someone who could tolerate my fickle moods was near to impossible, yet the person managed to do it, if so for a limited period of time.

Yet deep down , I knew that the relationship was based on a lie. I did not have the capability to be something the person wanted. I'm not hip or cool, I had barely any connections in this foreign land and would always be the wallflower at the party. I put my career first, I work hard, I was in an isolated area that made building a social life very difficult.

In the end, it just gets to you. Especially if you put a lot of emphasis into living the night scene.

Tiresome. That's what it became. Tedious, drawn out.

At least to the other person.

I knew the year was tough, and it was. Because of that, we didn't even last 12 months.

'I came with nothing, I'll leave with nothing'

That statement rings hollow, resounding in the empty chambers of my forlorn heart. I came with nothing, left with something and gave up even more.

But no more. No more.

It's over. We're through.




Sometimes I wish I could turn the clock back, save me all this heartache. Return to the pessimist that scoffed at love, the sadist that enjoyed the pain of solitude, the mourner that grieved the death of a emotion.

But I can't, and I won't.

What we created were memories. Happy, sad - I can't deny that they'll form the person I will be in the future. We learn, we grow; We live, we die.


All I can say is, thank you for the time.

Thank you for the experiences.

Thank you for the memories.


Now, it's time to wake up

and move on. 

I'm wide awake.

Spring Summer Autumn Winter

Spring taught me,
That there'll always be a chance to grow
Should I be willing to nurture
Culture
An inherent goodness
And, like the rolling pastures,
Dew drop flowers
Beauty emerges from the muddiest depths
To clad the wispy mists

Summer lectured me,
On the voraciousness of infatuation
The fiery heat of passion
To inculcate the ecstasy of life
To never lose my sense of
Freedom
Adventure
Imagination
Love

Autumn took my hand,
Led me up
Ever-changing glades of emotions
And therein I understand
Of loss
Of found
Of something gained
Of forfeiture
Should the crisp air burn my lungs
Would the soft rays ease my skin

Winter sat me down,
And there I cried
On a frosty throne in the midst
My tears froze, for it did not let me
Did not understand
Being alone, is not loneliness
To disconnect, is not to isolate
To never lose sight
Of what's inside
Should my heart be warm
Even while my chest freezes over

I learned of cycles
Of joy and pain
I learned of waves
Of need and naught
I learned that life
And death's not far
I learned that fate
Matches destiny, bizarre

Winter graduated me
With a scar on my chest
Spring let me in
And laid a butterfly to rest
On this weary soul
And now I know

For I am but a student
In this four seasons of existence
Should I ever fail,

*Get up*
*Straighten those shoulders*

Shall the wind be there to listen.