PORT ELIZABETH. Port Elizabeth police say they released Paris Hilton and withdrew drugs charges against her after a pet therapist explained to them that Hilton was an "over-bred show-dog with the intellect of a baked bean". Officers recalled that Hilton had soiled the newspaper in her cage and had even been too scared to purge the dinner they had force-fed her.
Weekend newspapers reported that Hilton, the offspring of famous Kentucky Derby winner Soggy Biscuit and a prizewinning Afghan hound called Dipstick 7, was arrested in Port Elizabeth with a friend for smoking marijuana at a World Cup match.
However, police quickly ascertained that Hilton did not have the mental capacity to understand that she had committed a crime.
"When we approached her she rolled on her back," explained arresting officer Pinkerton Mpofu. "That seemed to be her default pose for pretty much every interaction."
He said that she had been deloused and given an attractive floral collar before being led to the police pound, but added that officers had sensed a "profoundly retarded creature" and had taken pity and called animal psychologist Nina Wiener-Scratchensniff.
According to Wiener-Scratchensniff, Hilton was immediately identifiable as a "profoundly and tragically in-bred individual".
"You find these bitches in every pound,? she said. ?Glossy blonde fur, perfectly clipped claws, watery dead eyes without the slightest flicker of character in them, and a brain the size of a peanut."
She said she had urged the police to release Hilton at once, as she posed no danger to anyone but herself.
Meanwhile Hilton is reportedly "like totally awesome" after being reunited with friends and family, whom she described as "like totally aweseome", adding that while her stay in the pound had been "like totally scary", her South African trip had been "like totally awesome".
"It was totally a total misunderstanding,? she explained, while an aide attacked residual intra-intestinal fat deposits with an ultrasonic Fat-Blaster9000 machine.
"Kelli and Crissi were like, 'Hey, PH, let's like go to the soccer?', and I was like, 'Oh my God, what's soccer?' and they were like, 'It's a game?' and I was like, 'Oh my God I totally love games?' and they were like 'Oh really?' and I was like 'Totally?' and they were like 'No way?' and I was like 'Way?' and they were like, 'So do you wanna go see the soccer?' and I was like 'Oh my God, what?s soccer?' and they were like, 'It's a game?' and I was like?I don't remember what I was like because I like totally don't remember like what happened next.?
She said she was looking forward to returning home, although she conceded that she would need her private pilot to "do all that weird-ass map shit", as she had no idea where she was.
"He said Africa was like south-east of Beverley Hills, but I thought that was like Mexico and Iraq," she said.
"Oh well, boring!"
Satirical news adapted from: http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=139&art_id=iol127839348197H100
For real report, here it is.
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